The story of my awakening.
Day of the Awakening – 1.16.25
“Sometimes, the place you think will break you is the very place you are reborn.”
I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I had just gone from a terrible place to an even worse one, and hopelessness hung over me like a thick fog. To make matters worse, I was in the hole—solitary confinement—with nothing to distract me from my thoughts, my emotions, or my loneliness.
Minutes felt like hours. Hours felt like days. I honestly couldn’t have told you how long I’d been in there at that point. I couldn’t speak to my family or to anyone at all. The air was damp and heavy, clinging to my skin. The cell was cold, the kind of cold that seeps into your bones. I was alone—except for the endless loop of regrets and what-ifs playing in my mind.
The Sentence Within the Sentence
That’s a lot of prison life—thinking about what you’ve lost, what you’re missing out on, and how you could have chosen differently. But in confinement, the few small things that get you through each day are stripped away. My sentence within a sentence was 60 days. The heaviness of that reality made me want to give up.
They call it “single cell,” which my sister Mishi later pointed out is what we all are at our most basic level. When you hit rock bottom, you’re reduced to something simple, raw—like a single-cell organism. Solitary. It’s a low you don’t know you’re capable of reaching. Pure disempowerment.
My First Choice Point
Looking back, I now see this was my first choice point. There was a lieutenant I must have rubbed the wrong way. We didn’t get along, and she had the power to make my life miserable—which she did. In prison, there are so few things you have control over. That lack of power is one of the hardest parts. Instead of recognizing my disempowerment and working through it, I chose to focus on the unfairness. I played the victim, and in doing so, I fed her power.
“By focusing on unfairness, I gave her more power over me. I didn’t see it then, but I see it now.”
By the end of it, I’d been written up on enough false charges that she recommended my custody level be increased. That’s when things went from bad to hell. I was transferred to a closed custody prison—a whole different kind of bad. But that’s a story for another time.
Facing Myself
The strange thing was, when I arrived, the time in the hole followed me—something I’ve since been told doesn’t happen. But it did for me. Now I know why. Being locked in a tiny concrete box with no human contact and barely any outside connection leaves you with two choices: go insane or face yourself. I chose the latter.
Mishi has been on her spiritual path since 2002, when she met her husband Tor and their lives shifted toward purpose. Over the years, they shared their teachings with me. They even invited me to one of their week-long mystery schools in Hawaii. I experienced it, but I wasn’t ready to receive it.
The Book That Changed Everything
Once inside, they sent me books—Tor, in particular, kept sending ones he thought might reach me. On January 15, 2025, I picked up one called Limited to Limitless: Escape the Prison of Your Mind and Free Your Soul by Howard Mann. It was all about challenging your limiting beliefs, embracing your potential, learning from mistakes, moving beyond comfort zones. I was enthralled. Some parts seemed far-fetched, but deep down, I knew they were true. I absorbed every word.
By the following morning, January 16, I was nearly finished. I woke up and devoured the last pages. And then—something strange happened.
The Shift
At first, it was so subtle I thought I was imagining it. The air in the room seemed to shift. The sound of a door slamming far down the hallway was sharper, clearer. The dull beige walls seemed to hold more depth, almost like they were breathing. My hearing sharpened, colors deepened—and then the smells hit me.
The stale air. The sour sweat embedded in the concrete. The sharp chemical tang of the cleaners. All of it vivid, unavoidable. It was the first sign something inside me had turned back on.
For years, I’d been numb to my senses—dulled by depression, by life, and by a couple of rounds with COVID. Over the next few days, it all came rushing back. Food tasted better. The air felt lighter. Everything was more vivid—the colors, the light, even the sound of my own breath.
I felt like I’d been reborn, looking through new eyes, living through a different heart. Memories I’d lost started returning, flooding in like water breaking through a dam. My dreams became richer, sometimes feeling like visits from another realm.
From Mundane to Meaningful
Finishing that book was like flipping a light switch. Mundane moments now looked like opportunities. Life felt like it had purpose.
By the end of that week, I’d experienced a handful of powerful moments—mini awakenings—that made it clear this was real. I had ignited something inside me that no longer matched my current circumstances. Two things burned in my heart: tell my sister, and help anyone I could find this feeling.
“Spiritual awakening is the process of awakening to who and what you are.”
— Howard Mann, Limited to Limitless
A New Language
The first chance I had to call Mishi and Tor, the words tumbled out of me. I couldn’t talk fast enough. They understood instantly, and for the first time, I understood them. It was like we were speaking a new language together.
The shift from suffocating solitude to deep connection—with them, with myself, with the world—was incredible.
Pain, Pleasure, and Perspective
Mishi reminded me: We can learn life’s lessons through pain or through pleasure. The key is to learn them. I had always chosen pain—maybe because it was all I knew, or thought I deserved—but now I saw I didn’t have to. Even in the most disempowering places, I could find my own power.
She said something she’d told me before: You can’t know the taste of sweet if you’ve never tasted sour. By going to the extreme depths of disempowerment, I had primed myself to experience empowerment just as deeply. I couldn’t change my current situation, but I could let it change me.
Gratitude for Every Part
I began finding gratitude—even for the people who had treated me poorly, including the lieutenant. I saw they had played a role in bringing me to this moment.
“Your health, your relationships, your entire life experience are dramatically affected by your perception. Negative perceptions are destructive.”
— Howard Mann, Limited to Limitless
Sharing my breakthrough with Mishi and Tor, and hearing their reflections, showed me something profound: Even the hardest challenges—without dismissing their pain or unfairness—can become the doorway to transformation.
Instead of losing myself in the dark, I had found the light. And now, there was no going back.
✨ In my next post, I’ll share the “mini awakenings” that followed—small moments that deepened this shift and proved the light was real. Stay tuned.